Browns Vs Seahawks: And The Walls Came Tumblin' Down Predictions

By Stephen Thomas (@15Stephen15)
Browns Fan, Comedian And Still Not Sure What “On Fleek” Means

So for at least one week, we got to see how the other half lives.

Not only did the Browns win last week against San Francisco, they dominated. They dominated and the outcome wasn’t in doubt from about the middle of the 3rd quarter on. That’s rarified air for all of us Clevelands down here in Clevelandville, who are used to our few-and-far-between victories going down to the final agonizing ticks of both the clock and our hearts. After the game I thought “Is this how Patriots fans have felt every Sunday for the past fifteen years? Wow, no WONDER they’re such a bunch of arrogant jerkweeds!” It was nice, wasn’t it? Odd, in that I wasn’t really sure what to do on a Sunday evening without taking to Twitter and cursing everyone in Berea, but nice. The offense moved the ball both on the ground and in the air. The defense … actually played defense. No one from the coaching staff did anything so insanely stupid that it made me want to order an F-15 napalm strike on my television set. All in all, the Cleveland Browns looked like a professional football team.

(Hey Steve, talk about Johnny!)(Yeah, Johnny!)(We want to hear about Johnny!) (TALK ABOUT JOHNNY, JERKFACE!)

OK, OK, calm down! We all know what we saw. Johnny looked good, In fact, Johnny looked unquestionably, by far the best he’s ever looked, and that’s a great thing. However, taken as a single game, Johnny looked “decent.” I know he’s still young, I know he’s still learning, but if “decent” is not only by far the best he’s ever looked, but also enough to make half of BrownsTwitter coronate him as a Super Bowl caliber starter, I’d postulate that that says more about how disappointingly low the bar for quarterback play in Cleveland has been set than anything else. Those who regularly read me know that I’ve been on the Johnny train since the September before he was drafted. (Those who regularly read me also tend to drool quite a bit, but that’s neither here nor there) I’ve been in the guy’s corner, and I still am. The best thing for the Browns as a franchise would be for Jonathan Football to ball like he’s on Heisenberg Blue these next three games and prove that HE IS THE GUY. Realistically, I don’t see that happening. Let’s face it, the 49ers are abysmal, and the next three teams on the schedule are … well, not abysmal.

I’ll say the same thing about Johnny last week that I said about Cardale Jones when everyone lost their minds about his three game stretch last year: It was fun, it was great, it was nice, but it’s much, much easier to play quarterback when your team runs for 200+ yards and your defense stifles the other team like Edith Bunker. It was great to see the kid perform well, and I hope he keeps it up. However, until he puts on a similar performance against the Seattle/Kansas City/Pittsburghs of the world, I’ll hold back on fitting him for a gold jacket and a ticket to Canton.

So let’s see what the kid has. If he can keep this team competitive, with the dearth of talent at most of the offensive skill positions, then maybe the first round draft pick next year could get interesting. As it stands right now though, I’m 100% on a quarterback. (Currently Goff, but could easily be swayed to Lynch)

So what will happen in the land of Frasier Sunday?

-Johnny will make a couple of long plays with his feet. Mostly because he’ll have to – no one in the Browns WR corps will be able to create any separation. The Seahawks DB’s will be on them so tight, it’ll be like they’re standing next to the Browns WR’s at a urinal. (No talking. NO talking. NO TALKING AT A URINAL!) Because of JFF”s level of God-given athletic ability though, his numbers will end up looking better than they actually will be within the flow of the game. I’ll say 250 yards passing (a lot in garbage time), 40 rushing, 1 TD, 3 INT’s.

-The Browns running game will continue it’s spot-on impression of Punxsatawny Phil: A brief appearance last week, held up by morons in front of a cheering crowd, followed by six more weeks of brutal, cold, dark, miserable winter. Sorry, I can’t see the running game cracking the 50 yard mark (outside of Johnny scrambles).

-The game being on the west coast means I’ll have three extra hours of chicken wing and booze absorption before kickoff. I may just call that punk Kobayashi over and show him what a real chicken wing eating machine can do. Anybody can eat hot dogs by the pound. Whatcha gonna do with that little part of the wing in between the bones, eh Kobayashi? Huh? That’s where we separate the men from the … men with common sense! That’s right, you BETTER stay away from my couch. (Chicken wing bone drop)(Stalks offstage)(Heads directly to mens room and laments a lifetime of poor eating decision making)

-Duke Johnson will have a touchdown catch. He’ll also have several juke-filled plays that look great on film but only accomplish turning a 9 yard loss into a 2 yard gain.

-Paul Kruger will have two sacks. This will be the highlight of the defensive effort.

-The defense as a unit will give up over a 75% 3rd down conversion rate.

-The Terrelle Pryor contingent will be approached in annoying-ness only by the anti-Dwayne Bowe contingent.

-If Pryor catches a pass, someone somewhere will tweet about how “We don’t need to draft a WR next year.” I will sincerely hope this person gets repeatedly punched in the spleen.

-If Bowe catches a pass, then … HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAA Yeah I almost got through that with a straight face. (“Bowe catches a pass.” Damn, I’m funny!)

-Mike Pettine’s sideline demeanor will once again embody all of the fun, craziness and unpredictability of a Buckingham Palace Royal Guard.

-My daughter will continue to insist that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. During timeouts, I will Google “Methods Of Disowning Disappointing Children.”

Browns lose 38-14.