Tag Archives: laterals

Monday Morning Breeze: Football in Week 9 (or maybe 10)

College Football Portion of the Program

Annoyingly, ESPN and every major media outlet brushed the dust from last year’s “Separation Saturday” graphic and proceeded to splash the tired phrase off the ears and eyes nationwide all day. I’m sorry on their behalf. By the way, I’d love if enterprising individuals in unhappy relationships took the liberty to use this “Separation Saturday” motif to their advantage, and necessary-but-difficult break-ups fell like oversized JENGA towers today, and every “Separation Saturday” from here on out. I love Love, though.

Despite the tread-worn SS being thrown around by talking heads like a damn pigskin at Thanksgiving, it did live up to the hype, delivering a number of Top 25 upsets and helping illuminate the probable roadmap for conference championships and ultimately, the playoff picture. Clemson proved it deserves the initial top spot in the CFB Playoff Ranking by beating FSU, Alabama showed the playoff committee’s prescience as they mercilessly whooped LSU, Oklahoma State kept the offensive pyrotechnics going and handily stunned TCU, and Michigan State suffered a reversal of fate, getting upset at Nebraska under the cloud of a potential officiating gaffe and another controversial ending.

Laterals, man. laterals. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the acronym “ILS”, but it means “Invisible Lat Syndrome” and refers to those dipshit dudes that walk around life like they have coolers stuffed under their arms because their backs/lats are so developed, but actually they’re just peacock-style inflating their upper body size. AKA “bowing up” as a scared individual does before a fistfight happens. Well, after the last two weeks of this college football season have unfolded we may have to consider inventing “VLS” or “Visible Lateral Syndrome”, referring to the damage done to fanbases of programs that’ve lost heartbreaking games on plays that involve ridiculous, lateral-induced defeats. The Satan of Sideways struck Duke during their last-second loss to Miami last week, and we thought it was an anomaly…until this week’s Arkansas-Ole Miss fantastic finish featuring, you guessed it, Lucifer’s Ludicrous Laterals.

College Football Link Dinks and Dunks of the Week

Mizzou FB team “athletes of color” boycotting current school president, won’t play until change made!?…Terrible news, as Miss. St. father/son football combo killed in car crash…First CFB Official Playoff Rankings released, and does Alabama deserve a spot in the top 4 (yes, now clear to all)…The rise of ND’s DeShone Kizer…At halftime of the USC-Arizona game, ESPN’s Danny Kannell referred to ‘Bama’s win over LSU as, “…a curb-stomp. You can’t really call it anything else.” While I agree Alabama forcefully defeated the Tigers, can we all agree using the phrase “curb-stomp” in any context is disgusting, especially when referring to a college football game, especially when we all know this horrifying moment from the racially charged movie “American History X” is what popularized the term.

College Game of the Week: #2 LSU vs. #4 Alabama

This game would decide much in the heated race for the beast that is the SEC West. Would LSU continue to run Leonard Fournette to the Heisman and Lesticles’ second National Championship? Or would ‘Bama continue to rebound from their early-season loss to Ole Miss (which looks even worse now) and keep rolling opponents enroute to another SEC title?


Well, it was the latter. Alabama whooped LSU 30-16 at Bryant-Denny Stadium in a matchup of two of the top four teams in CFB’s initial Playoff Rankings. Bama’s D controlled LSU’s run game, Bama’s O rolled out a dominant, Derrick Henry-led rushing attack, and Saban skated off with another huge win over grass-eating Les-is-Less Miles. Three point summary:

Alabama Won the Trenches
There’s a man named A’shawn Robinson that roams the nose/D-tackle spot for Alabama. He’s nearly impossible to block, and, if you like, here’s a great feature on Robinson. He, along with the rest of Alabama’s O and D-lines, beat the hell out of LSU. This game boiled down to Alabama’s complete control of the line of scrimmage, which always determines these Tide-Tiger matchups. Roll Tide, for tonight.

Leonard Fournette Lost Heisman Ground
I hate that this is true, because I love Fournette and the transcendent beauty he’s brought CFB this year and LSU’s morbid passing game did nothing to help clear the box against the Tide, but this game did some damage to what was once his peerless Heisman campaign. In the game many billed as a battle of the backs in Fournette vs. Derrick Henry, Henry clearly came out on top. Fournette was stymied all day by ‘Bama’s fierce D-line, being held to a season-low 31 yards on 19 carries, well below his 193 yards/game average for the year. Henry meanwhile, bulldozed his way to 3 TD’s and 210 yards, looking unstoppable at times. With TCU’s Trevone Boykin throwing 4 picks and suffering his first loss of the year, the Heisman hierarchy was shaken up a bit this weekend. Now I’d say Henry’s near the top of the heap along with Clemson’s commander QB Deshaun Watson, Ohio State’s stud RB Ezekiel Elliot, and Stanford’s darting dynamo Christian McCaffrey.

Alabama Will Win the National Championship
It’s ridiculous to make predictions anytime, and especially this year given the crazy climate surrounding college football with controversy and madness now the norm, and no team rising head and shoulders above the rest, yet. It’s also silly to put the crown on Alabama’s head given their still-questionable QB Jake Coker and a defense that tends to doo doo in the bed versus spread teams, not to mention all the football that’s left to be played. But let’s get crazy. Let’s throw caution to the wind. ‘Bama just has the feel (and dominant running game, dominant line play, athletic D, competent QB) of a special team that was galvanized by their early-season loss to Ole Miss, and now’s on a mission. Preseason’s darling Ohio State has been building steam this year, but they still look nothing like the team that buzzsawed through last year’s playoff, and while Clemson appear to have gotten rid of their pesky penchant for dropping winnable games, I still don’t trust them. So I’m putting my neck out there and saying this: Ladies and Gentleman, Alabama will be your 2015 College Football National Champion.

At the End of the Day: CFB’s Top 25 Went this Way (All Rankings from College Football Playoff Poll)

#6 Baylor vs. Kansas State (Thursday, Nov. 6th)
Bears survive scare from Snyder’s frat ‘Cats, keep playoff dreams alive

#20 Miss. St. vs. Missouri (Thursday, Nov. 6th)
‘Dogs dump Tigers, Tigers Wish to Dump School President

#22 Temple vs. SMU (Friday, Nov. 7th)
Owls forget they’re supposed to lose to Dallas dudes, instead say “Who?” and bruise ‘Stangs

#10 Florida vs. Vanderbilt
Gators barely beat Vandy, clinch SEC East and keep Commodores least

#5 Notre Dame vs. Pittsburgh
Kizer So Says, “Come with me!”, as the Irish stiff Pitt

#21 Northwestern vs. Penn State
We’ve reached the point in reality where it’s not surprising Northwestern beat Penn State. Bizarre.

#11 Stanford vs. Colorado
McCaffrey’s kid keeps rolling as Card roughs up Buffs

#25 Houston vs. Cincinnati
Cougars roast Bearcats, go searching for next young victims

#1 Clemson vs. #16 FSU
Dabo’s Dabos Dabo Wabo Seminoles, proving Dabo deserves to be top Dabo

#9 Iowa vs. Indiana
Hawkeyes keep playoff hopes alive, peck Hoosiers’ I’s out

#17 Michigan vs. Rutgers
Jim’s Joe’s smoke Red Knights

#8 TCU vs. #14 Oklahoma State
Cowboys shoot through swiss-cheese Frogs D, propelling OSU into playoff pic

#18 Ole Miss vs. Arkansas
More casual, late-game chaos brings Bielema’s Hogs rebelliously erotic joy, topping Mr. Ms. Miss

#23 UCLA vs. Oregon State
Bruins ruin OSU, leave it (losing) to Beavers

#13 Memphis vs. Navy
Midshipmen mush Memphis, dashing distant Playoff dreams

#7 Michigan State vs. Nebraska
Sparty falls from unbeaten ranks, skanked late by the Huskers and refs

#15 Oklahoma vs. Iowa State
Stoops’ Troops score sooner and later, smash Cyclones

#19 Texas A&M vs. Auburn
Tigers aggravate Aggies, A&M burned, upset

#12 Utah vs. Washington
Huskies a bit too “big-boned”, Utes race past Peterson’s Puppies

#3 Ohio State vs. Minnesota
Ezekiel 3:14 “Thou shalt never lose to Gophers Faux-Golden”…Bucks truck those with buck-teeth

#2 LSU vs. #4 Alabama
Bayside’s Bayou Bengals Bludgeoned by Alabama Man, Men

Duke vs. North Carolina
Tarholes dash Duke’s ACC dreams, demolish Devils

National Football League Portion of the Program

NFL Link Dinks and Dunks of the Week

Graphic photos of Greg Hardy’s alleged domestic violence victim surfaced this week, yet he plays on…Hardy was justly skewered (along with some other players/coaches) in these funny updated Madden RatingsFormer Raider charged with grisly murders in California…On the BRIGHTER SIDE, a nice piece on the ascent of Cam Newton.

NFL Quick ‘Cap Game of the Week: Green Bay at Carolina

Cam Can Cam Like Cam:Carolina jumped out to 27-7 lead at half, behind an unstoppable aerial attack and Cam Newtom playing like, well, superCam. The Panthers gave the Pack GB’s largest home deficit since 12/15/13

Thomas Davis SR is the Seniorest Sr.: TD Sr. had a number of nifty plays, including a nice, line-busting sack of A-Rod just before halftime and the game-sealing INT of A-Rod at the end. Davis SR is playing on his 16th ACL of the year, and why does Carolina seem to be the only breeding ground for guys tough/cool enough to use the SR tag on their last names, a la Steve Smith Sr. and now Mr. Davis Sr.?

Pack’s Second Half Comeback Squelched: GB scored quick in the 2nd half with a Rodgers-Cobb long TD pass early in the 2nd quarter leading to a furious rally in 2nd half to get it to 37-29. A-Rod drove Green Bay deep into Carolina territory late in the 4th quarter and, scrambling on 4th down and goal got picked by the man, THE SR Davis, to end the Pack threat and clinch Carolina’s best start ever. Is Carolina for real? It seems so, and their stranglehold on the NFC South is secure for now.

NFL Longer Lust Game of the Week 2: Denver at Carolina

This past week, Indianapolis fired their once-successful Offensive Coordinator, Pep Hamilton, due to the Colts’ early-season struggles on offense relative to the major investment (draft/free agency) the team made on that side of the ball in the offseason. It’s been spun in major outlets that this firing was largely a result of Andrew Luck’s ineffectiveness (injured ribs or not) so far this year, including MMQB’s own Peter King challenging Luck to step up and accept responsibility for being the reason Hamilton was fired, and questioning how Luck would respond in the face of such pressure.

It looked like Luck would have the toughest of times responding to a major shake-up on the offensive coaching staff facing a Denver Broncos D that was dominating the NFL so far. It looked like Luck was seriously suffering from some injury, whether it was the supposedly-kept-under-wraps rib injury or something else, as this year his typically picturesque form and performance had been relegated to rollercoaster status on a weekly basis. It looked like Peyton Manning’s sand-arm and the Elway Broncos would head into Peyton’s Old Oil Dome and dominate the Colts, keeping their undefeated record alive and sending the Horseshoes further into a tailspin, though remaining atop the weak-ass AFC South.

As it turns out, looks, and Luck, can be deceiving.  Colts win 27-24.  The game’s 3 pressure points:

Luck Don’t Throw No Wounded Ducks: It’s clear something’s been ailing Andy all season, and too see the media hop on his back lately has been interesting. Andrew Luck is a selfless beast that more often than not puts the Colts in a position to win. He may not be Peyton, but that’s a good and bad thing. This week, Luck and his new coordinator were on track early putting Indy up 17 through the first half and keeping things going well enough in the second to hang on for the win. Everyone else needs to get back on the Luck bandwagon; there’s plenty of neck hair to go around, keeping us all warm and entertained for the remainder of the year.

Last Game in Lucas Oil? Peyton Throws a Pretty Ball Too: Manning hit a bomb to Emmanuel Sanders early in the 3rd quarter to cut Indy’s lead to 17-14, and played well enough throughout. Emmanuel Sanders is impossible to cover, and Manning’s demise has been waaaaaay too overblown in the media this season. The man can still play, no matter how sad and old his face looked at the end of this one. However, in what may be his last game ever in the Lucas Oil Dome, Peyton suffered a surprising loss. In the end, that doesn’t mean to much as history holds Peyton as probably the greatest Colts’ QB ever, but it seemed refreshing and necessary for the young upstart Luck to get a win tonight, leading Indy into the near and distant future.

Peyton’s Path to History Paused: Mr. Manning finished the game just 3 measly passing yards shy of the all-time career passing yardage mark in NFL history. It would’ve been as fitting as a birthday suit for Peyton the Perfectionist to set one of the greatest records in NFL history in the home stadium of the team that drafted and reaped the rewards of Manning’s greatness for the majority of his career, before oddly jettisoning him because of concerns about his neck. However, due to a bizarre holding call late when Denver’s defense was called for the infraction defending an Indy FG kick, Peyton never got the final chance to get the mark in Indianapolis. Perhaps it’s better he’ll surely set the mark in his new home of Mile High, in Denver, next week against the Kansas City Chiefs.

NFL Hyper-Headline Roundup

Cleveland vs. Cincinnati
Bengals bust Browns’ balls as Manziel hits sixth ring of hell, oh well


Denver vs. Indianapolis
Andy punts Peyton’s pursuit of all-time passing yards record, as Colts become first to beat Broncos

Atlanta vs. San Francisco
Niners’ new QB sets offense free, sinks Falcons further south in NFC

NY Giants vs. Tampa Bay
Coughlin’s Cadets Crush Winston’s Regrets

Oakland vs. Pittsburgh
Raiders fall short late, Big Ben goes on an injury date, and Steelers win slim at the end

Miami vs. Buffalo
Rex says “Interim heads roll” and controls ‘Fins, as Bills win

Jacksonville vs. NY Jets
Jets set Jags back to the days pre-hot tub, rub South Florida the wrong/right way

Tennessee vs. New Orleans
Marcus the Hawaiian leads Titanic Dicaprios to OT victory over the Saints which must fire Roby Ryan train

St. Louis vs. Minnesota
Vikings ram Rams into FG submission

New England vs. Washington
Brady’s Bunch Native American burns the Snyders

Philadelphia vs. Dallas
Eagles fly, Eagles fly, right by Big D’s dysfunction in OT on Sunday night’s football flight

Commercial Skewering and Randoms

Tweets I Sent Cuz Drinks

Weekly Fantasy Football Insight/Tips/Updates/XXX Advice

Monday Morning Breeze: Football in Week 8 (or maybe 9)

The heathens of our United States celebrated Halloween this past weekend, and normally fans could expect the usual wacky plays and stunning outcomes typically attributed to the holiday by theme-seeking media coverage. But this zany season’s already exposed fans to more madness than usual, especially in the college game, and predictably in the All-Important Special Teams phase. With so many unique finishes already in the books, it seemed safe to assume this Trick-or-Treatkend would trend toward a little more toward normality, giving our hearts a chance to settle a bit, and keeping us from the heart-attack-fixers forcing us to learn how useful that Obamacare coverage really is.

Off the field, “Spooookiness” this year was largely limited to this (seemingly genuine) Herbstreit scare in the booth. On the field, we witnessed the NFL churning along acceptable LAST SECOND FIELD GOAL FINISHES and CFB assorted treats of madness. Oh yeah, except there was Duke’s DebacLateral. Dear, old Duke.

Keep reading for this weekend’s NFL/CFB exploits pressed down to goodie-sized bites and coated in chocolate for easy digestion. Don’t worry, ain’t no razor blades in these blurbs. That is, unless you’re a fan of one of the many teams that lost this weekend. For those unfortunate fans, I’m sorry. Here’s a digital King-Sized Snickers.

College Football Week 9 Notables

The ‘Canes shaming logic in Durham, Michigan’s heartstopper at Minny, OK State’s offensive blitzkrieg in Lubbock, and more!

Tidbits…Newly-minted starting QB for Ohio State, J.T. Barrett, was arrested last week for driving while impaired and suspended for the Buckeyes’ Nov. 7th game versus Minnesota…Post-Pete (Carroll) life continues to be a bitch for most things Trojan as Norm Chow was fired by Hawaii on Sunday…Mizzou QB Maty Mauk was suspended by the team for the remainder of the season for violating those inner-sanctum rules… Va. Tech’s Frank Beamer will retire at the end of the season…Does UGA’s loss put Mark Richt on the hottest seat?…

Featured Matchup: Florida vs. Georgia in “The World’s Largest Southern Day Drunk Party”

Georgia Bulldogs running back Sony Michel rushing during the second half, as the Gators spook the Georgia Bulldogs with a 27-3 win at EverBank Field.  October 31st, 2015. Gator Country photo by David Bowie.

Things haven’t played out as they’re supposed to for either team this season, but it seems they rarely do. Trending downward, Georgia was supposed to dominate the SEC East and challenge for a CFB playoff spot this year. Heading into Week 8, they’d already lost to Tennessee, been smashed by ‘Bama, and badly needed a strong showing against the Gators to regain any mojo for 2015.

Trending upward, Florida has been one of college football’s biggest surprises under first-year head coach Jim McElwain. Apparently Will Muschamp wasn’t lying last November when he advised, “They’ve got a deep and talented roster, so don’t let that new guy tell you he ain’t got any players,” after being fired from the Gators gig. Jimmy’s kept the defense stout and managed to implement a relatively functional offense, even surviving the stunning, mid-season suspension of budding start QB Will Grier for PED’s, leading UF to a 6-1 start with their sole defeat at the hands of a scary-good and undefeated LSU squad.

Those outdoor cocktail gatherings are known to cause some bizarre shenanigans, and this year Georgia stirred the pot by starting third-string QB Faton Bauta over Greyson Lambert, hoping to use his lively legs to inject juice into a stagnant offense and cause some extra preparation on Florida’s part.

Unfortunately for Georgia, Bauta threw a couple of not-his-fault interceptions and a couple definitely-his-fault picks, not to mention one throw that was so poorly thrown directly to a Florida defender, that Bauta immediately slapped his helmet with both hands upon releasing the pass. In one of the few breaks Georgia got all game, the defender dropped the easy interception.

Florida’s D-line dominated in the trenches, limiting the run game Georgia had to establish in order to compete to just 69 yards rushing. On the other side of the ball, the Gator O-Line gashed Georgia’s D for 258 yards on the ground. Leading the way was Kelvin Taylor with 121 yards and 2 TD’s, with UF’s new/old QB Treon Harris doing just enough in the air to keep UGA’s D honest.

Florida wins 27-3.

3 Takeaways From Cocktail Heaven

  1. SPECIAL TEAMS Strike Again. I’m sure you’ve never heard this before, but SPECIAL TEAMS are an underrated part of the game that can really swing a seaon and blah blah blah. But they are, as we’ve seen ad nauseum this season, and in this game Florida got rolling recovering a muffed Georgia punt (foolishly fielded inside UGA’s 5-yard line) in the end zone for the first 6 of the game.
  2. Florida Capitalized While Georgia Continues to Lowercase: The Gators combined hitting a couple big plays on offense, with a dominant running game and steady special teams play in the route. The ‘Dawgs, on the other hand, goofed on some golden opportunities on offense early when the game was still in doubt, missing a wiiiiide open TE deep in Florida for a certain TD pass and inspiring color man Gary Danielson to offer up the following nugget, introducing us to an acronym he’s surely never used in his life prior to that moment of improvisational bliss:

    “That’s what I call an ‘O.C.E. An Offensive Coordinator Explosion! He dialed it up there, and the quarterback just missed him.”

  3. Florida Will Win the SEC East: All the Gators (7-1, 5-1) have to do to secure their division is beat Vanderbilt next week, which they’ll do. From there, they could be in line for a rematch with LSU in the SEC Championship Game and potential spot in the playoff. That’s too far off to know for now, but we can be certain McElwain’s been a smashing success so far in ascending from Colorado State to Singin’ in the Swamp.

Random Rumblings: At one point the camera cut to Gary and Verne in the booth, for a quick check-in on the game so far, and we get to see the awfully all-gray shirt/tie combos they’re both sporting. Apparently these two and Colorado are wearing the same uniforms today…Bizarre exchange between Adam Zucker (doing CBS’ studio show) and Gary Danielson. Zucker, catching up on the football action across the country and tossing it to Gary/Verne asks, basically, where Gary/Verne have some of the top teams placed in the upcoming CFB ranking. Gary responds, “Who cares?” as Verne chuckles along.

A little later, CBS shows this tweet that Zucker sent in response:

Gary responds, “Adam, you have 22 minutes to fill, we work 3 and a half hours. Sometimes we get a little testy.” Verne just chuckles the whole time. So CBS then decides to bring in Zucker live for some interaction, and he responds to the awkward question from the booth about Zucker’s kid eating “all that CBS candy yet?” in saying “yeah, (son’s name) has already gone in for his second handful.”…Any chance UGA RB Sony Michel was named after the electronics giant? Maybe even gifted from the popularity of PlayStation? He’s an interesting combination of cool name/lady name…Bauta threw a strike to a slanting GA WR and #42, UF Safety Kananu Neal, safety smashed him right in the face. Lovely hit…Malcolm Mitchell with a beautiful catch over the middle, rising and plucking the ball from the sky…Vernon Hargreaves III (VG3 from now on) is great on defense, but damn he’s smooth and shifty with the ball in his hands, witnessed post-pick in this game.

West Virginia vs. TCU (Thursday)
Horned Frogs stay unbeaten for now, smoke Mountain Men 40-10

UNC vs. Pittsburgh (Thursday)
Carolina wins big’un in ACC Coastal-land, topping Narduzzi’s crew 26-19

Houston vs. Vanderbilt
Herman’s Cougars keep rolling smoking ‘Dores, 34-0

Memphis vs. Tulane
Tigers have really tall, really good QB, that waves Green goodbye, topping Tulane 41-13

Utah vs. Oregon State
Ute Guys apparently hate beavers, smash OSU 27-13

Oklahoma vs. Kansas
Sooners hate Kansas for Jayhawking, arrest KU’s attempts to fly, 62-7

Maryland vs. Iowa
Hawkeyes keep sloshing through Big Ten, title hopes alive topping ‘Terps 31-15

Ole Miss vs. Auburn
Rebels yell louder than War Eagle, win 27-19…Will the real Ole Miss please stand up?

South Carolina vs. Texas A&M
Kyler Murray fever begins, as Aggies slip past Spurrier-less ‘Cocks 35-28

Clemson vs. NC State
Dabo Wabo Dabo’s Clemsoning to Death as the Tigers hang on 26-20 against upset-minded Wolfpack…Deshaun Watson is incredible to watch.

Texas Tech vs. Oklahoma State
Cowboys sizzle six-shooters to rock Red Raiders 70-53…So, touchdowns…Lots of ‘em….Big 12 Football! TX Tech head coach Kliff Kingsbury will from here on out be known as “Playgirl”…

USC vs. California
Trojans ride the interim coach magic carpet victory parade past Cal’s Golden Showered Bears, 27-21…I’m not sure how I didn’t know this before, but according to the paint at midfield, Cal’s stadium is known as “Kabam Field”. Berkeley kids have gotta be able to come up with something better than that for whatever company it is paying for that name…Goff’s picked up by a nice play by Seymour USC’s DB with 14:19 to go in the 4th quarter, with Cal now down 27-14. The cameras catch Goff going after the refs on the sideline, with his nice baseball cap on, screaming at the refs as the commentators compliment him for “showing some fire.”


UCLA vs. Colorado
U-C-L-A had all the alibis they needed to calmly cold-cock Colorado’s Buff behinds, winning 35-31…Colorado was somehow allowed to wear gray pants and a white jersey even though they have some of the coolest base colors in the CFB (black and gold)…Flipping over to this game, I was lucky to catch the following exchange from the broadcast crew:

Play-by-play Guy: “They’re lucky they didn’t have a lineman downfield.”
Color Guy: “Well, it was a designed pass so they’d never have a lineman downfield.”
That lead to deafening SILENCCCCCCCE.

Michigan vs. Minnesota
UofM slices Minnesota’s Little Brown Jugular in the 29-26 victory…This was another Michigan nailbiter, with their stout D-line securing the win at the end in stuffing Minnesota’s QB sneak short of the goal line as time expired. …Jake Rudock seemed to once again be doing his best to fuck the game up for Michigan, throwing a bad shot put-deflected-interception early, but he kept it together and made some nice throws in the win…I’d be willing to be Jim Harbaugh dresses up as Jim Harbaugh for Halloween, or Diana Ross, either one…Jabrill Peppers is an insta-Viagra on Michigan’s offense. Would love to see UF use VG3 the same way. What’s the best Peppers nickname we can send up the ladder?

Duke vs. Miami
Miami’s Miracle Lateral-palooza Punks Bluest Devils, 30-27…Ok, so you’ve probably maybe already heard of how this game ended, but if not watch this first. Then realize the ACC suspended the referee crew from this game for completely blowing the call on that crazy final play. There were a number of questionable calls made throughout the game, in addition to missing a MIA runner’s knee clearly being down and a massive block in the back on the Lateral-pallooza ultimately costing Duke the game. Duke should’ve been given the W, but instead they’re dealt a salty defeat which puts them in a tough spot trying to win the ACC Coastal Division. Miami continues the trend of Miami football teams riding the interim coach wave to wins. FWIW Duke has a McCaffrey WR (Max), son of outstanding former Denver Bronco receiver Ed McCaffrey, and brother of potential Heisman candidate Stanford RB Christian McCaffery.

Temple vs. Notre Dame
Touchdown Jesus spoils Temple’s first College Gameday hosting experience, defiling Philly 24-20

Florida State vs. Syracuse
All you need to know about this Seminole win is conveyed in the following incredible, Travis Rudolph TD catch and run. Watch him snag the ball, punk DB’s without remorse, and flow into the end zone. Free Shoes U. Makes Orange Juice Their Pants, 45-21.

Texas vs. Iowa State
Longhorns lose any semblance of mojo, getting smoked by the Cyclones 24-0 and we wonder if the Strong will survive the season?

Tennessee vs. Kentucky
Tennessee makes Wildcats shed voluntary tears, spanking Kentucky blue, 52-21.

Stanford vs. Washington State
Stanford stays smart, winning 30-28 as WAZZU misses last-second FG attempt.

Nebraska vs. Purdue
Man karma’s a bitch, ain’t it Cornhusker faithful? As you may remember Nebraska fired the volatile Bo Pelini last year for winning not quite enough to appease the folks that matter. In came Mike Riley, and thus far his Nebraska squad’s lost that winning feeling, falling to 3-6 (1-4 in the Big Ten) on the season. Stay tuned to see if Tom “Don’t call me Ozzy” Osborne comes back to save grace. Boilers make Cornhuskers suck dust, hurt, winning 55-45.


New England vs. Miami (Thursday Night)
Patriots make ‘Phins wish the Fin came sooner, 36-7…The Pats will keep doing this all year until the playoffs. I’ll just keep copy/pasting this blurb for each of their remaining regular season games.

Detroit vs. Kansas City (Wembley Stadium)
Chiefs wax waning Lions in London, 45-10…Detroit got sick of getting their asses kicked in the good ol’ USA, so they decided to give up their “no taxation without representation” birthright and go crawling back to Mother England and Wembley Stadium, for some bad-teeth welcoming. Turns out, flying across the pond does not a good team make, and if a team stinks like shit on American soil, they’ll probably stink like shit in the land of fish n’ chips as well.

New Orleans vs. New York Giants
Saints sail past Giants on Brees’ 7 TD’s, hanging on for the 52-49 barn-burning victory…305 yards of total offense from both teams in 1st q…ODB Jr + Pick Play Near the Goal Line = TD’s Forever…507 yards total offense, Brees 300 yards 4 TD in first half alone…ODB Jr. with 3 TD’s, one on a loooong-lovely pass from Eli for ODB’s 3rd TD of the day, in front of his 20+friends and family in the crowd, in his hometown NOLA…I wish FOX’s commentators would keep referring to this as a “Big 12” game, due to the high-scoring, because it’s hilarious every time. Like every, fucking, time…With a sweet catch by Dwayne Harris, Eli hit the 6 TD Sabbath Club…Drew Brees threw actually 8 TD’s on Sunday, just one of them was a completion-forced fumble-returned for a TD by the Giants with 7:11 left in the 4th Q…NO nails a FG as time expires to win .

San Diego vs. Baltimore
Ravens do Poe proud, beating the SD/LA Celebrities 29-26…Steve Smith tears his Achilles and is out for the year, so that’s all that matter…Justin Tucker wins it at the gun with a FG

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinnati
Bengals stay unbeaten besting Big Ben’s return aboard the Red Rifle Revue, 16-10…Le’Veon Bell goes down with apparent knee injury. God damnit. He and Steve Smith are two of my favorite players in the League. Cue up 10 million more stories/soundbites/segments on “injuries skyrocketing picking off marquee players in the NFL” for the 11th straight year. They should totally play more games though, Rodgie Goodell, totally…I don’t care about CINCY staying undefeated. I don’t care about the return of Big Ben. All I care about is if Andy Dalton dressed up for Halloween as Patrick Swayze from Road House. “Yeah, and I thought you’d be bigger…” PIT’s Martavis Bryant looks more terrifying than anyone with the ball in his hands, too bad Big Ben threw the last pass of the game out of the end zone.

Chicago vs. Minnesota
Vikings do Viking things to bum-out Bears busters, winning with a FG as time expires, 23-20…Jay Cutler said he wouldn’t trade Matt Forte for anybody in the NFL. I shudder imagining a world in which Jay Cutler is a GM, or in any position of authority again.

Arizona vs. Cleveland
Cardinals destroy Browns’ limited self-worth, 34-20…Carson Palmer throws for 4TD’s and 378 yards.

Tennessee vs. Houston
Bill Uh-O’brien’s Texans tops Tennessee 20-6, in the “Nobody Gives a Fuck Bowl.”

Atlanta vs.Tampa Bay
Bucs stick with lady luck, besting NFC South foe-Falcons 23-20, in OT…This was the Whitest QB in the league vs. Jameis and his limbs-all-over-the-place running style..I wonder if any of Winston’s teammates have ever asked him, “Say man, did you do that thing they said you did at FSU?” and whether it’d change anything anyway.

San Francisco vs. Saint Louis
Rams run Gurley Man to victory, topping sunk San Fran 27-6…Todd Gurley could be a senior in college right now. Todd Gurley is coming off a massive knee injury last year. Todd Gurley + Nasty D-Line = Rams Relevant. Todd Gurley and Aaron Donald are the only reasons I’d watch this game. Tavon Austin is scary. Todd Gurley.

New York Jets vs. Oakland
Raiders redirect Jets to losertown, winning 34-20…I would’ve loved to have seen a camera focus solely on Amari Cooper matching up against Darrelle Revis.

Dallas vs. Seattle
Seattle slews Dez’s return, scrapes by Big D with a 13-12 win..I wish Dez Bryant would start waving off routes/plays/motions like MLB pitchers shake off throws they don’t wanna make. “Deep cross over the middle vs. SEA’s beastly Safeties? Nah, SMH at that one. Better go with ‘Dez slug-o (slant and go)’ allll day.”

Denver vs. Green Bay
Broncos buck Rodgers’ Pack, 29-10.

Super-Important Commercial/Ad-thumping Recap

I’m sorry Burger King, but I don’t think I’d ever let two flame-grilled patties have me “Like Whoa” as you claimed so many times today. Go figure out how to make better french fries and maybe we can talk again.

Man, I just saw Taco Bell’s commercial for something called “Boss Wraps”, which’d make me wanna killennials as quickly as possible, but it also included the “young coeds walking down the road toward those mountains in the distance, arms around each other, bounding into hope-ville” which makes me wish even more I’d dressed up as someone able to end shitty commercials for Halloween.
I love the fact that for the most part, NFL players still have to wear full pads and jerseys to be identified in ads. I’m looking at you “wood-chopping JJ Watt.” By the way, does JJ Watt work hard or something? I haven’t heard anything about his work ethic yet.

You know, I wasn’t really interested in daily fantasy sports until I saw Fan Duel’s cool ad, where there’s that guy that looks just like me and my friends with his beard, low-key hoodie attire, and laid-back yet informed style of speech. I think I’ll sign up and start playing, as soon as I get this shotgun out of my throat.

I’m sure there are people in this world that watch “Empire” and “Gotham” but I don’t know any of them, and I don’t think I’d like to.

Ok, so the Ford F-150 advertises a “military-strength” body, but they don’t specify which military that is. So it’s likely you’ll be driving in a rig protected by the swiss cheese steel alloy designed by the Thai Army, Canadian Mounties, or worst yet filled with black-tar heroin by the crooked troops of Mexico.

I wonder if that bearded son-of-a-bitch slinging eggs on that Chevy commercial is anti-abortion, ‘cause if he is then he’s a damned jerk. I eat things that’ve been on the floor. With my science he wasted at least 600 good potential chickens or omelettes on a shitty gag to explain Chevy’s safety features.

Burger King pitches their Buffalo Chicken Fries as “A better way to Buffalo” and I’m not sure if this is a direct dig at the city of Buffalo, NY. If not, I’m not sure I’ve ever buffaloed in my life, nor would I ever like to.

Bud Light urges us to “Open up a can of football” with their newly-NFL-themed cans. A can of football sounds like the most vile thing one could ever imbibe, especially after a night of Halloweening.

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